Life at Be Why You Eye ( Speech I gave for Comm102)

Somehow we have become a culture of putting people in compartments. All the old people go together to die, all the young people go to kindergarten to learn to live and not talk about bodily functions in public ( the success rate differs by individual) and in the church all the 18-30 year olds go to singles ward to get married. Unlike all the other kinds of compartments, when you finally get into the singles ward compartment, there is only one way to get out.

The ultimate goal of a singles ward is to self destruct, weapon of choice: matrimony. The unfortunate thing about this weapon is that it is not a weapon of mass destruction. It is slow, and painful, and the worst part is watching all of your “friends” move into the next compartment without you. I can only assume that watching your friends move on without you is the hardest part, because I have never been the one to get married and move on.

You know how people always say the church is amazing because it is the same everywhere, well its true. No matter where you are, there is always the same 10 people.

The Humble Guy With the Big-deal calling ( i.e. Bishopric, EQP, Ward Clerk…ect..) : Irresistibly humble, probably served his mission somewhere where they didn’t have toothpaste and unwittingly tricks every girl in his ward into planning their wedding because he is a walking talking version of “ THE LIST”

The Guy with the Big Deal Calling Who Knows He’s A Big Deal: has probably dated half the ward by the second week in the semester. Smooth, confident, probably a business major, but he probably told you he was elementary education just to seem sensitive.

The Guy who Just Got home and Can’t Stop Talking About His Mission; everything he says starts with “ On My Mission…” Girls think it’s cute, but it doesn’t matter because he won’t come within ten feet of you and probably calls you ‘Sister’

The Girl Who Just Wants to Get Married; okay, to be fair, we ALL just want to get married already, but this is the girl who missed the memo that the worst thing you can do is actually SAY you WANT to get hitched. Probably bakes A LOT, all the boys in the ward are grateful that she is their sister in the gospel. ( i.e. Sweet Spirit )

The Future Missionary Girl; So you just got home from your mission? And you think your going to blow everyone out of the water with all your spiritual experiences, and sure you do, until future missionary girl tops every ‘story from your mission’ with some brilliant comment. You can’t decide whether you want to hate her or date her, but you do neither because she has been preparing for a mission since she was ten and, sorry Elder, but you aren’t going to get in her way.

The Awkward One; Can be a boy or a girl, and by awkward one, I mean the awkward ones, because really about 10% of the ward was probably homeschooled and has never talked to a member of the opposite sex besides that one time when their Mom made them go to a stake dance. Has probably only recently discovered the importance of deodorant and not having a backpack on wheels.

The Desperate Menace to Society; has been home from his mission for WAAAY too long. Is getting desperate and will date anyone who gives him a second look. He is all about publicizing the fact that he will make the best dad ever. Goes out on lots of dates but finds ridiculous reasons like she smelled like my ex, or she though Malachi was in the Book of Mormon not to take them out again, anything but the REAL reason, which is his fatal fear of commitment. Probably says things like “I’m in no rush” and “I’m not worried about it” but everyone knows that his greatest fear is that fateful day when he turns 30 and can no longer prey on the naïve 19 years olds from Heber City who don’t know any better than to get wrapped in his tangled web of old age and fear of commitment.

The Bitter One; The guy who hasn’t been on a date in years because of whats-her-face from back home who dumped him a month after he got home from the Mission. He is convinced that all females have been sent to the earth to plague him. This of course makes him every commitment phobe girl’s best friend, and every guy’s sworn ally. Spends a lot of time “hanging out” and being condemned for “hanging out”

The Girl Everyone Wants to Marry; You know this girl she cooks, cleans, scraps books, and organizes cub scouts all before 8 am. She is the ultimate potential supermom. The only reason she isn’t majoring in Home and Family studies is that she already knows everything about it. However, not only is she domestic she’s also fun and down to earth, and she does her visiting teaching on the 1st day of the month. You can’t spend more than five minutes with her without feeling like the relative scum of the earth. She is the only woman in the world who doesn’t feel guilty when she listens to the song love at home because, roses really do bloom beneath her feet, and her life really is bliss complete. I hate her.

The Social Butterfly; Everyone knows this person and they know everything about you. Not only do they throw the parties, but they know about every single one going on in the State. This person is also the match maker of the ward, which makes them impossible to date because they just set you up with their sister’s best friend.

Somehow, all these special spirits get stuck together and are supposed to find some way to talk someone into “multiply and replenishing” the earth with them. Hollywood has nothing on the drama that descends upon a group of people trying to find celestial bliss while wading through a terrestrial world.